Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
