if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
