I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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