dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
