my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
