haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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