my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
