my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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