I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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