I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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