Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
