the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
