R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
