I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
