Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
