he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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