You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
