cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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