Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
