Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Semen is not good for contacts.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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