If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
