Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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