if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
