Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
