mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
