I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
