Please don't use social media to get back at me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
