He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
