There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
