i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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