In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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