It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
