She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
