porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
