you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize