I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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