I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
