she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
