Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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