Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
