Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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