i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
