Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just found a bag of teeth...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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