I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Randomize
