That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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