You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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