OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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