i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
