I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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