I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
