look no pants
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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