I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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