I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
