I'm so fucking centered right now
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
