I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
