Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
