All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
