So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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