You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
