did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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