I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
