Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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