If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
