turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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