Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
