Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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