I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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